Emilyn

Dear New York, I Am Looking For Something in Millions

Posted on April 23, 2015May 6, 2015 by Emilyn in Prose

“New York is made up of millions of different people, and they all come here looking for something” ― Lindsey Kelk, I Heart New York

When I slept last night, I dreamt through a thousand unknown years. Every year, I was looking through someone’s perspective. I felt their hands sweat to the pressure of the men in black suits; their feet move to the audition music of Broadway; their hearts beat faster when they confessed their love; their eyes become brighter to the city lights – their dreams becoming what they had only seen in their sleep. In a thousand unknown years from black and white to the serenity of color, tranquility fell into my heavy life, and pulled me from the darkness where I fallen from, and into the daylight in which even amidst my dreams – seemed to have whispered my ambitions and aspirations to a city that belonged to millions before me, leaving me to search for a single speck of hope in the city. I felt hopeless until when my soul departed the muted black and white history of home, I remember that I became a flock of pigeons to be with it. Five second of its atmosphere’s presence on my skin, I was taken and embraced by it – this, made me think that these ambitions and aspirations of mine will be forever at my palms. To think, once in time, I saw this city for its gray and blue. I took it for its heat, but these cool evening take me back in time. “Do you remember,” I think, “the nights I’ve stayed up, even in the bad times, thinking there is a glass half full though only of sinking hopes, waiting to be revived.” I might have figured this out as these city lights are keeping me up, and I cannot possibly wait to fall asleep to another thousand unknown years belonging to those looking for something in a single city. Perhaps when I awake, I must be the next perspective in this first night in the big city.

– Emilyn Nguyen, Dear New York, I Am Looking For Something in Millions (Dear New York Series)

Dear New York, I Am Hopeful for You

Posted on April 22, 2015April 24, 2015 by Emilyn in Prose

“London is satisfied, Paris is resigned, but New York is always hopeful. Always it believes that something good is about to come off, and it must hurry to meet it.” ― Dorothy Parker

There is a sight in my mind, of strangers brushing my shoulder, and a view taking the breaths that leave my lips. It guides my eyes through the cracks of cement statues, gray air, and a transition of memories – all of those who pass by from the sweeping spectators to those who commenced our reunion. Statues stop many of us in our tracks to admire their silenced symbolism. They speak as if to whisper, “Hello”.

I reckon it’s a tangible abyss we are in. This is art, one attempting to foreshadow what comes. To it: it’s a chance to live outside of what is expected – a new frame of mind. They even tell me that, “it was what should have come much sooner.”

There are paintings concealed by glass, and there are statues concealed by people, all concealed by an aura of such energy. People surround them freely, even at the sight of expired ideas, and dreams, a new melody and harmony is redeemed. It lands on my tongue and tastes of a muse of discovery.

I imagine stone statures that seem to breathe and move along with the people it captures amongst its personas. I thought I felt one tap my shoulder. Backs are turned away to meet bright faces. They are too, begging for a grand entrance, they say “nothing can hold them down,” but their feet are bounded, and so instead people discover them. Some grab their cold hands to dance with them. Their feet barley move at all, but the energy is swirling around seventy hundred feet sky scrapers, collected in April rain puddles, and gracefully gliding down the streets. Time is in short supply but they live timelessly in movements granted by those who own the chisel.

Within them there are people of melody, and there are people of harmony. There are drafts of pure greetings, and fossilized farewells. I see them all, and yet it is welcoming me with new written sonatas, with freshly molded tempos. I hope to dance to them.

My friends are tugging at my arms for they have gathered our belongings and I have already begun collecting dust. They tell me that the stones have already started moving; the air has been blaring in tunes; the light has already started to glimmer; they say, “good is about to come off, and we must hurry to meet it,” – Soon.

– Emilyn Nguyen, Dear New York, I’m Hopeful For You (Dear New York Series)

To Have Met

Posted on April 19, 2015April 19, 2015 by Emilyn in Poetry

Circles within circles clenched in a fist,
finger prints of mothers, fathers, of fathers oncle, ma grand-mère et grand-père,
Vietnamese blurred French – English dialect – adopted.
Held captive by four corners – owned by simplicities of mind, lesson well learned.
Combination of two sides, cinching an aged tradition,
Recycling words, welcoming of solitude in circumference chasms.

Plated orange-yellow poles upon, crimson grading pens upon, pink erasers upon,
yellow painted light wooden pencil between the webs of my fingers,
foreign and forced upon my uncoordinated hand,
ached and cramped knotted upon them, strung upon my tangled fingers – alien.
Blind to possibility, possible to the blind,
your warm hand guiding mine, gliding streaks of graphite-lead onto smooth bamboo paper.

Inked loose leaf paper upon sheets of bent thoughts meant to be traced upon.
Handwriting of the foreign, different from the raced,
language to be taught, words to be learned,
syllables chopped, from tongue to lips, to be refused by air,
my lips followed yours, by a semblance in matter,
your dashes guide me, synchronizing to your hand before smooth, a poem you wrote.

Sawed cut chopsticks to count upon mixed upon erasers, grips upon,
wrinkled skin between clenched newborn fists,
opened wide, exposing the wings they possessed between each finger,
creases created to count with father’s hitchhiker’s thumb,
until one realized that there was more to count,
with the spaces between mother’s joints on her wide hands, and long fingers.

Canisters of undeveloped films, reminders that one has not rendered,
Fluent spheres develop in your mind, death-sentence tolled,
A color and composition – segments of hued breaths you took between shutters unraveling that you belong—intertwining my foreign fingers in your hair.
Words you’ve forgotten, shriveled hands cracked,
I wrote the words you could no longer teach me: to have met.

– Emilyn Nguyen, To Have Met

Counting Countenances

Posted on April 15, 2015October 7, 2015 by Emilyn in Poetry

Among a white room, come blank semblances of shadows,

whisper are tangled between specks of madness.

Thoughts – possibly of weakness are apologetic through an unsighted telescope,

quiet contentions,

restless legislations,

tedious clicking…

Fractions, fragments, and frictions of fictions in formal semantics: Nascent.

For other remote time swarming, zoning , warping,

to have reduced to one – rarely.

As a paper of processes for phylum,

through an algorithm of Ambien:

Repetitive tides of people here, in blurs. Click.

Faint flights of fright in foreign tongue, frail to forbidden fore seers.

Reflected upon the intimidation in immigrant irises,

their apologetic extermination returning to one,

As a share of the atmosphere roaring,

through exterminating cries, fighting tension,

Fog hazes faces and subsides as one. Click. Click.

Skilled hands twist to intertwined grimaces beclouding another,

hazed from one profile to presentation.

Slight slithers to another shoulders, words slurred as

deep sighs, long pauses — speak so silently, quietly.

Wait so mysteriously by civilization,

familiar frowns, similar scowls. Click. Click. Click.

A beacon just drifting midair colliding with others amongst the atmosphere.

Floating, with the breeze , to be forgotten when death is inevitable,

lie in the in between a course of immortality and early death.

afraid of admitting that they are lost,

lost as a pinnacle,

in complete abyss… Click Click. Click. Click.

If we never met, then I wouldn’t have to lose you.

Mistake Conscience with Fate – destiny with luck when bitterness overcomes you,

that there is a pattern in the narratives, you don’t want to admit.

There is fork in the road, where your soul gets indecisive.

There is a crossroad where, there is a light, where you yearn to explore,

for everyone’s own world to collide.

There is a collision

with their own thoughts expression – those you don’t know about…

Click. Click Click. Click. Click.

– Emilyn Nguyen, Counting Countenances

The Good

Posted on April 8, 2015February 18, 2015 by Emilyn in Prose

I want to imagine falling fast because you’ve pushed me off a bridge but before I go, kiss me quickly while making it last so I can determine how much it will hurt when you say goodbye. To determine if it was too soon or too late because I had understood that you were the one that didn’t feel the same. Yet, I understand that people come and people go but I don’t ever want to say goodbye to you. I question why you couldn’t let the future pass and simply let go. I only ever so slightly want to say goodnight to you. I only hope that the good in our good nights will mean I will see you in my dreams and goodbyes will mean that we will always end up meeting again tomorrow. I want to see you, even if it means for a slight minute like the moon meets the sun just before daylight forty five minutes after five and after the late eight o’clock orange-crimson sunset. You were convinced that there was no good in goodbye; no good in goodnight, but at first hand it may appear too hard, but look again. Always look again. I promise there’s good in that.

– Emilyn Nguyen, The Good

The Mistakes

Posted on March 20, 2015March 20, 2015 by Emilyn in Prose

When we make mistakes, do we really learn from them?

Especially when we know that our mistakes lie in the witness of others, and our minds ruin the fact that our mistakes will never go forgotten — will never be forgiven. You tell yourself that you were just a child, you couldn’t possibly know. Yet, your mind circles around the fact that your mistake will linger in the air forever and you cannot improve because you cannot take it back.

It’s already been done: a mistake it was exhibited for show.

So when I ask, do we really learn from our mistakes, I respond, “no”.

I live in them, I swim in them, and they remind me how I must do better. They tell me how I’ve done wrong, and how much I’ve to improve: I’ve to improve everything. I try harder to improve my craft, but God Damn, the mind of an over-thinker will emphasize that “No, whatever you do, you’ve wronged the first time — and that’s the only time that matters.”

Back Up.

No.

Mistakes build character, and even though your head is wrapped up, tangled in, reliving in, and retracing the fact that you’ve made a mistake, it tells me so much that you’re trying. Even though you have a small voice, and your body seems like wither at the sight of a crowd, your mistake is done — it’s over, and if you believe that you are defined by it, than what you don’t know is: you are not. You are shaped by it. Because of it, you will thrive in all your endeavors. I promise you that you will not make the same mistake more than three times, because you’ve put so much thought into it, and the part of you that cares too much will remember that you are determined enough to remember not to. If you do: the first time is to warn you; the second time is to persuade you; and the third time is to … see. I told you.

So if I ask the question again, do we learn from our mistakes, I say,

Perhaps our mistakes must learn from us.

Do they know how much we emphasize them over the good, no matter how little it might have been. More than they know, we know the most that we’ve made them, and we have replayed them over in our heads, seeing people shake their head at us until our minds are dry in our mistakes. What we know is that we know that mistakes build character beside its negative connotation. Not making mistakes is inevitable. It doesn’t make you a failure.

The next time you make a mistake, a question echoes: When we make mistakes, do we really learn from them? Especially when we know that our mistakes lie in the witness of others, and our minds ruin the fact that our mistakes will never go forgotten — will never be forgiven. In the moment that your mind is hovering in uneasy murmurs or doubts, and questions, they have already been:

Forgotten –

Have Already Been Forgiven.

– Emilyn Nguyen, The Mistakes

In Between the Lines

Posted on March 1, 2015February 18, 2015 by Emilyn in Poetry

“My brain hums with scraps of poetry and madness.”

– Virginia Woolf, Selected Letters

Reading Virginia,
as if I understand her morals.
“Do not,” She has written.

Analyzing Woolf,
“One cannot think well,” she says.
my tongue is dry of new air, to “…love well…”

“…sleep well…” – Nightmares mostly,
leftover sleep and a dew of overdue promises
evaporating off my lips, purging with blood.

She ended, “…if one has not dined well.”
I began: “Do Not Speak to me about Hunger;
Speak to me about War.”

Here I stay: barefooted in between
airport tile floors – they tell me,
Gritting my teeth to the dreams,
forbidden desire and will to shining silver linings.

The cruelty, unrivaled, taking parts of a dream,
leaving most to die, but she’s hungry,
they told her the war’s over, but she won’t heel,
filling a God-sized hole.

– Emilyn Nguyen, In Between the Lines

3:45

Posted on February 18, 2015February 18, 2015 by Emilyn in Prose

From midnight on, I couldn’t help staring at the light ignited from the phone; waiting anxiously for a message I, for some reason, knew I wouldn’t receive. The night is longer than day, so cruel of overthinking possibility being held in the air. To add, the moon couldn’t keep away, its light kept shining; temping me to call, like the loose thread on my sheets I couldn’t resist to pull – I didn’t. I couldn’t wait till day, so the moon could meet the sun, and the stars could lie in the clouds. The coldness of the night’s snow shown sheets embraced the moon, cradled me into the clean white blankets, but I wanted the embrace of the burning sun as it would rage. Rage for me, rage at the moon. By 1 o’clock, the sheets became my comfort embedding itself into the heat I radiate, waiting impatiently. Imagining the warmth of my blankets as the radiating heat of your body against mine. By 2 o’clock, I went unnoticed, the sky lightening, my crippling exhaustion leaving me numb. My eyelids heavy at the hallucinations I was witnessing. You became a vision, and like the moon you were fading, fading – gone. My fascination towards phone lights dimmed towards to growing moon – bigger and smaller like the strength of my heart. At 2:45, I became taunted to close my eyes completely. Through withdrawal, I only crash, slipping slowly under my sheets completely. I only fear that I will suffocate myself; deprive myself of air before 3. From the moon to the stars, counted the stars and the constellations like I counted the minutes I waited. The 45 after 2, taunted me, the titanic sinking deeper in my heart. Second per second, minute per minute waiting until 3. By 3:45, I only saw how your eyes lit up when you saw me in the night’s moonlight, trying to count the stars between our giggles in our dreams…

– Emilyn Nguyen, 3:45 A.M

Roses

Posted on February 13, 2015February 5, 2015 by Emilyn in Prose

Her grandmother told her that her delicate, intricate, beveling beauty closely resembled one of a rose. On lovely, tender spring mornings, she had soft, rosy pink cheeks complimenting her pink lips, and below lengthy, stem – like legs. Her soft skin radiated with a wonderful floral scent and even when it rained, her freckles seemed to dance across her face like raindrops mirroring the dainty dew droplets that lie upon her white – pink petals. Her whole lively being was recognized to draw in others – to love and to be loved – but without knowing: to capture the victims in her hidden, disastrous thorns. Her heart lived outside her chest, hours away at your window garden, roses were her grandmother favorite. When vines reach up through my head again, and the roots sew themselves to my toes, to be consumed by their splendor again and then realizing she is gone, and there is nothing growing inside you. If winters weren’t so cold, I’ll water from the roots to the vines to become the rose beside the garden inside of her that her grandmother once spoke of.

– Emilyn Nguyen, Roses

Bettering Myself

Posted on January 30, 2015June 13, 2016 by Emilyn in Life, My Journal (My Life)

Rise With the Sun: Let the Sun Kiss Your Eyelids Awake. A New Day Starts With Fresh Morning Air.
Be Kinder to Myself: Love Every Bit of Yourself. You are No Less of a Person. Don’t Be Afraid to Hold Your Own Hand. Don’t Be Afraid to Hug Yourself when You Need to. Don’t Be Afraid to Be Your Own Hero.
Say No: It’s Not Always to the Bad. Sometimes you must to what you see as Good.
Take Deep Breaths: Ten of Them. One for your Lungs, Two for the What Comes Next, Three to the Way you Hold Breath When you’re Nervous, & Four for the Words you’re about to Tell Yourself: “It’s Going to Be Okay”.
Take Care of Yourself: Remember This.
Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself: People Make Mistakes. Including You.
Be Careful With Your Heart: Don’t Let People Back Into Your Life So Easily.
Give Your All: Give Everything.
Don’t Wait Too Long: When Something or Someone Doesn’t Come. Wait… A While – For Your Heart’s Content. When Something or Someone Doesn’t Come. Don’t Be Mad at Them. Leave the Moment to Rest. Don’t Wait Too Long, the Moment Needs Rest Too.
Choose Your Words Wisely: …but when they don’t come, don’t force them to.
It’s Okay to Love Too Much: Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, and Love.
Never Leave Anything Unfinished:
Stop Doubting Yourself: You Can’t Predict the Future. You Don’t Know Your Potential. Stop Acting like you’re already a Failure. Life’s Just Beginning.
Give Yourself Second Chances: A lot of them.
Drink More Water: Hydrate Your Roots, You Must.
Give Lots of Compliments: Too Many. You know you Love Making People Smile.
Love Unconditionally: Don’t Be Afraid.
“It’s Going to Be Okay”: No Matter What May Happen, It will be Okay.
Don’t Take Anything Personally: I Know Your Heart. You Don’t Want to Wrong Anyone. You Don’t Believe in Making Assumptions, but You Cannot Control What Other’s Think of You. Sometimes They Are Wrong.
Leave Toxic People & Things Behind: Leave the Parts of You that Try to Hold You Back.
Don’t Forget A Thing: Remember Where You Came From. Remember Who You Are.
Let Yourself Free: Go Explore Places that Leave You Breathless.
Go To Bed Early: The Sun is Waiting for You – To Kiss Your Eyelids Again. Remember, A New Day Starts With Morning Air.
Hold Your Head Up High: You Deserve More than What you May Think.
Forgive Yourself: Much Like You Forgive Others, but Don’t Let the Same Mistakes Repeat Themselves.
Live Life Like You’re Not Waiting For Something Better: This is it Do Your Best to Make Sure it’s Enough.
Currently Listening To: Ordinary Human By One Republic
Rise With the Sun: Let the Sun Kiss Your Eyelids Awake. A New Day Starts With Fresh Morning Air.
Be Kinder to Myself: Love Every Bit of Yourself. You are No Less of a Person. Don’t Be Afraid to Hold Your Own Hand. Don’t Be Afraid to Hug Yourself when You Need to. Don’t Be Afraid to Be Your Own Hero.
Say No: It’s Not Always to the Bad. Sometimes you must to what you see as Good.
Take Deep Breaths: Ten of Them. One for your Lungs, Two for the What Comes Next, Three to the Way you Hold Breath When you’re Nervous, & Four for the Words you’re about to Tell Yourself: “It’s Going to Be Okay”.
Take Care of Yourself: Remember This.
Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself: People Make Mistakes. Including You.
Be Careful With Your Heart: Don’t Let People Back Into Your Life So Easily.
Give Your All: Give Everything.
Don’t Wait Too Long: When Something or Someone Doesn’t Come. Wait… A While – For Your Heart’s Content. When Something or Someone Doesn’t Come. Don’t Be Mad at Them. Leave the Moment to Rest. Don’t Wait Too Long, the Moment Needs Rest Too.
Choose Your Words Wisely: …but when they don’t come, don’t force them to.
It’s Okay to Love Too Much: Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, and Love.
Never Leave Anything Unfinished:
Stop Doubting Yourself: You Can’t Predict the Future. You Don’t Know Your Potential. Stop Acting like you’re already a Failure. Life’s Just Beginning.
Give Yourself Second Chances: A lot of them.
Drink More Water: Hydrate Your Roots, You Must.
Give Lots of Compliments: Too Many. You know you Love Making People Smile.
Love Unconditionally: Don’t Be Afraid.
“It’s Going to Be Okay”: No Matter What May Happen, It will be Okay.
Don’t Take Anything Personally: I Know Your Heart. You Don’t Want to Wrong Anyone. You Don’t Believe in Making Assumptions, but You Cannot Control What Other’s Think of You. Sometimes They Are Wrong.
Leave Toxic People & Things Behind: Leave the Parts of You that Try to Hold You Back.
Don’t Forget A Thing: Remember Where You Came From. Remember Who You Are.
Let Yourself Free: Go Explore Places that Leave You Breathless.
Go To Bed Early: The Sun is Waiting for You – To Kiss Your Eyelids Again. Remember, A New Day Starts With Morning Air.
Hold Your Head Up High: You Deserve More than What you May Think.
Forgive Yourself: Much Like You Forgive Others, but Don’t Let the Same Mistakes Repeat Themselves.
Live Life Like You’re Not Waiting For Something Better: This is it Do Your Best to Make Sure it’s Enough.

Currently Listening To: Ordinary Human By One Republic

– Emilyn Nguyen, Bettering Myself